Saturday, October 26, 2013

On the eighth night of Halloween...

... 8 possessed young girls

How to Successfully Perform an Exorcism
in 8 easy steps

Step 1
Acquire a tall step ladder. This is essential to any step. Take a step on to that ladder, and proceed to step 2.

Step 2
Get off the ladder. Now that you are ready to take steps, you can begin gathering the necessary material for this fun activity. You will need:
    • A Bible (new or old testament, it's of little importance)
    • A cross
    • Black clothing (put them on but refrain from wearing band shirts unless it's Christian black metal, which exists by the way)
    • Holy water or Pepsi
    • A priest (purchasable at your nearest church)
    • A possessed person
    • A baseball bat or heavy object
    • Chips
    • Movies, Monopoly and party games (like Twister)
Once these necessities are in order, you will need to find a secluded place to perform your exorcism. The best areas have cold lighting, very few windows, and a camera crew. The possessed person is likely to be violent, but if you can manage, bring them into the room and tie them to a couch, chair or bed. Certainly don't use one of those scary looking torture contraptions, demons like that.

Step 3
Have a smoke with your priest before beginning the process (you're going to need it). When you are ready, have a seat next to the possessed individual and converse. It's nice to get to know the demon. Once you have sufficiently talked about the weather, offer them some chips. The evil spirit should appear slightly friendlier to you. If so, you're good to go.

Step 4
Offer to watch a movie with the person. Some good choices are:
  • The Exorcist
  • Rosemary's Baby
  • The Exorcism of Emily Rose
  • Bride Wars
Meanwhile, your priest should be reading the Bible and looking at his watch. Make sure to keep the person tied, for the moment.

Step 5
When the film is over, play a game of Monopoly. This will probably last until way after dark. You can free one of the person's hands so that they may move the pieces. Make sure to laugh and share embarrassing stories in the process. The demon will confess to you that it is sad and lonely, and you are the first person to understand it.

Step 6
Now it is time to fully untie the possessed person. This is a tricky process, as you will be required to betray them with the use of holy water once they are detached. The evil spirit thinks you are it's only friend, and in this step you will need to break it's heart. Arm yourself with a baseball bat or heavy object in case it lunges at you, and untie the person.

Step 7
Have the priest spray the person with holy water because you can't bear to do it. The priest should cry at this point, and so should you.

Step 8
Forget the exorcism and become best friends with the evil spirit.

1 comment:

  1. Which is better Pepsi or Coca-Cola?
    ANSWER THE POLL and you could get a prepaid VISA gift card!