Wednesday, October 23, 2013

On the Fifth Night of Halloween...


Looking for a place to haunt? Terrified of becoming a homeless ghost? Then it's about time you have your own piece of property! We, at Iron Shackles Real Estate offer you top of the nickety notch dismal domains for sale. In these economic downtimes, the Underworld is full of spirits looking to spend an afterlife in style at an affordable price. Many fall for "Devil & Associates" or "Death Inc.", who charge outrageous portions of soul in exchange for flimsy condos in the nether regions. We, on the other hand, offer luxurious wide open spaces above ground. The living may no longer want them, but the dead, we do. Thus, it is with great pride that we present to you the finest collections from our catalogue:

Iron Shackles Real Estate
What the living don't want, the dead will haunt.

The Killing Shack
Charming, cozy shack. Perfect for a newly deceased couple. Located in the middle of the woods, a great place to emanate random shrieks and scare the cheese out of random hikers, backpacking hipsters and/or documentary filmmakers searching for a mountain witch. The roof is caving, and many of the floorboards have fallen in, so no deterioration is necessary. A part from frequent ghost hunter visits, this is a wonderfully secluded place to start a new afterlife.

14 000 $oul

The Haunted Mansion
A classic. As difficult to overlook as The Shining's hotel, this traditional abandoned mansion in Auvergne, France, is a family favorite. With countless rooms to wander about and a vast front yard, visitors usually include foolish teenagers and naïve tourists. Complete with dreary weather and dead vegetation, it also comes with pre-built sound effects such as screams, thunder, growling, and banging pots and pans! (Premium package only) Available for rent from Mad Scientist™, the kids will just adore the lab and it's toxic chemical substances. Great insurance: any repairs done by the living will be immediately destroyed.
30 000 $oul

The Evil Lair
Your sick association of villains finally has a home. Having secret meetings in this Romanian castle is like sitting in the lap of luxury. Why, what better place to make horrible plans than Dracula's hometown? Known to the living as "Peles Castle", it links Transylvania to Wallachia, making midnight excursions so much easier. The walls echo wonderfully, allowing your cackles to be heard at great distances. Swear revenge upon your enemies and yell agonizing cries of defeat, or triumph, from the high towers while taking in the romantic scenery. A fantastic place to wear capes, swooshes often result in large puffs of dust and clapping thunder. Speaking of thunder, lightning always strikes just behind the castle accompanied by Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor. A myriad of servants are at your disposal, upon special request.
60 660 $oul

The Otherworldly Outhouse
Isolated. Desecrated. Seemingly uninhabited. This is a place for the more frightening ones. Don't be fooled by it's nature, for this outhouse is a tricky one. The simple fact being that it was never used as an outhouse, but rather, a portal to other dimensions. Occupy this space, and you will travel to places Dr. You-Know-Who would never even dream of. It can disappear and reappear in multiple deserted areas, alleviating you of your own tedious transportation methods. Its double functionality allows you to use the toilet while waiting to arrive at your destination, and can be used to snatch the unsuspecting living looking to do the same -since no one expects a ghost in an outhouse. Use with caution.
180 000 $oul

The Abandoned Hospital
The number one, most sought out location in all eternity is situated in the heart of earth's most pleasant regions. Detroit's abandoned hospital is the place to have. Haunt alone or with others in this majestic building. Apparitions, cryptic inscriptions and urban legends crawl the walls of the eerie structure, leaving you with little to do other than put the super into supernatural. An ideal party place, impress your guests with a fine selection of rooms and superb kitchen all equipped with abandoned medical equipment, beds and far more. Notorious for being a huge cliché, it is the go to destination for over ninety percent of local foolish mortals, and prides itself in scaring the hell out of everyone -no pun intended folks. Well, what are you waiting for? Put your checkbook on the table because it's time to live large and let other ghosts know it!
7 000 000 000 $oul

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