Wednesday, October 30, 2013

On the Twelfth Night of Halloween...


... 12 danse macabres

Danse Macabre Reading List

Recommended by the Underworld's finest critics
Danse Macabre:  a medieval allegorical representation in which a personified Death leads people to the grave, designed to emphasize the equality of all before death.

Here is a list of books, for you worms, in which the dead and living reunite before the same fate. Whether you have a penchant for great classics, or a soft spot for children's literature; be you living or dead, this selection has something for you. So, grab a book and have a look:
Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein": "Where would we be without Frankenstein and his monster? Learn how history's most horrible scientist fought his way to the top and made it big. This is mandatory reading for any mad doctor or insane professor, and there is much to learn from the monster's exemplary use of the english language. The secrets of the greatest in the palm of your gloved hands!" - Uncertified Professionals Business Weekly
Neil Gaiman's "The Graveyard Book": "Follow the adventures of a young boy with a rather unusual story. Raised by ghosts in a cemetery, this is an excellent guide for new owners of a living person." - Pet Cemetery Post
Joseph Delaney's "The Wardstone Chronicles": "Mystical creatures, the occult, worlds beyond our own... death lurks these parks. Not only that, but the main characters strongly resemble the Grim Reaper. This is an excellent biography, and a must have for teachers." - The Aftertimes

Johan Theorin's "The Darkest Room": "Northern Oland is a charming, quiet place to haunt during the vacation. This book carefully charters the best areas of the island through a creative narrative about a man investigating his wife's mysterious death. This travel guide is an excellent companion to your voyage." - Trick or Travel agency

Seth Grahame-Smith and Jane Austen's "Pride And Prejudice and Zombies": "There is no better testimony to society's intolerance of the undead than the collaboration between a live human and phantom in the writing of this political zombie essay. We'd like to thank both authors for bringing important issues to light." - (UUN) United Undead Nations

Bram Stoker's "Dracula": "A beautiful, light hearted tale perfect for baby bats of all ages!" - Skullastic

 H. Kevin Miserocchi's "The Addams Family: An Evilution": "Secrets of the world's scariest celebrities are revealed in this frightening family album! Scandals, lies, mug shots!!! Exclusive magazine articles and poisonous samples inside! Don't miss out!" - Gossip Ghoul

H.P. Lovecraft's "Great Tales of Horror": "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu Barnes & Noble wgah'nagl fhtagn." - Necronomicon™  

Edgar Allan Poe's "Complete Tales and Poems": "For those to whom life has been far too cheerful and kind, this collection is a death sentence. It brings back the glum after the first few pages, and knocks the happy right out of you. Nominated best self help book of the century." - Dr. Fee L. Bad

Stephen King's "Skeleton Crew": "The best of comedy! What with Stand-up Skeleton doing his act and the price tag still stuck on the cover, this book just tickled my spine the moment I laid eyes on it. My favorite ones featured a giant human eating blob and a scary grandma. Boy did they hit my funny bone! On the other hand, I wouldn't be caught dead watching the TV adaptations." - Skeleton Kid

Christopher Ransom's "The Birthing House": "This book is bad... It snaps at you when you approach it and eats other books... Not only that, but it seems as though... as though it has the ability to reproduce. There are smaller versions of it. Smaller versions... crawling the walls and feeding off of it's pages... Oh no...It's coming! It can hear typing. Please hel-" - Iron Shackles Real Estate

Alvin Shwartz's "Scary Stories to tell in the Dark": "Despite the new illustrations... No, you know what, not despite the new illustrations. These drawings are an absolute disgrace, especially considering that this book is aimed at children. They are simply not scary, to put it bluntly. Although Brett Helquist is a fabulous artist, this book is now far too friendly for my child. He cannot bare to read the pages without all three of his heads laughing. That is just wrong and you should be ashamed of yourselves. The stories themselves are good, but I am tired of having to hide the pages for fear of scarring him for life. This is an aberration and it needs to be corrected. Thank you." - a concerned monster mom

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