Saturday, March 22, 2014

Facebook Still Not Available in the Afterlife

THE AFTERTIMES


Facebook Still Not Available in the Afterlife

  After much negotiation with Mark Zerckerberger, CEO of Facebook, earth's favorite social network is still not available after death. Although "facebooking" is a common practice among children and the elderly, the website in question does not require that you remove your friend's and family's physiognomy for scrap-booking purposes. Instead, users are invited to sign up to a website to connect with their peers, share images and press "like" buttons in exchange for their soul. Hell's chairman denies having anything to do with it.

"It's an outrage," says the Grim Reaper, the only being to have access to the website. "Citizens of the Underworld should be allowed the same superficial services as the living," he protests while chowing down on a large bag of pork rinds.


A mother of two two-headed children also expresses concern: "I don't understand cyberspace much, but I don't like my kids, or their multiple limbs, being left out." On the dark side, a social network designed specifically for the deceased and undead is underway. In addition to this, internet haunting tutorials are rampant on the afternet. Beware of the digital ghost busters being formed to counter this action. Rapid communication is growing in popularity, and messenger crows, snakes and gargoyles complain of going out of business as tech startups "take over" Silly Cone Valley. However, technology is still too dispersed in the Underworld to have a true impact. In the end of the day, what really matters is that we speak face to face on Google+ hangouts.

- Hang Ed Man, editor and blogger at the Aftertimes